His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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