I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
