just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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