Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
