Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize