dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
