A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
