i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
