i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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