The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
