i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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