Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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