We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
