I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Randomize
