Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
