so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
