i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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