What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
