Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
