I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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