I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
