she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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