you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
