Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
where are my eyebrows?
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