What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
