WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
