why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
