Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize