I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
