i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
