Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
