it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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