Apparently you make a good broom.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
