Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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