The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
