Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
