You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
its not stalking. its research.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize