did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
