Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
