Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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