When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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