omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
