just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
