I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
