I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
