you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
