u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
