I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
