Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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