I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
where are my eyebrows?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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