I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize