just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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