I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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