I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
