Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
