I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
