he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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