Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Randomize
