did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize