Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
