Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
