you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
