Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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