normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
