first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
