2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
