Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
