A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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