I can text with my tongue
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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