either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
