I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
