she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
